I Want To Interview a Convicted Felon (2025 Edition #1)

I can't believe we live in this timeline

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

I want to interview a convicted felon, sexual predator, failure, loser, liar, grifter, and traitor and get some answers. While that sounds like a full room, it would be just me and the 47th American president.

Now, I wouldn’t want to Bartiromize the thing. These would have to be real questions.

Bartiromize (verb) - To repeatedly ask meaningless questions to prove a pre-determined narrative instead of asking meaningful questions with journalistic integrity.

It’d be wild. I could ask questions, and he would bloviate. He probably wouldn’t answer any question directly. Knowing his strategy of running over people with the Gish Gallop, we’d need to keep a pacifier (or 30) at the ready, filled with Diet Coke, to distract him.

Our interview might include questions like these:

• You promised to bring down the cost of housing and “groceries” on day 1. Prices are now higher than ever. Why did you fail?

• What happened to all those “donations” from your billionaire inauguration guests?

• Would you rather fuck your “beautiful tariffs” or your daughter?

• Who photoshopped the gang insignia on a picture of hands attributed to Abrego Garcia? It was you, right? It’s so poorly done, it had to be you. Nobody does things as poorly as you, Mr. Trump. Everyone says so.

• When Mr. Garcia comes back to America and stands trial and is found innocent, who will you throw under the bus first?

• Your dismantling of USAID will lead to thousands of deaths worldwide. Are you intentionally trying to kill people or is that just an unexpected perk of the job?

• As more people die, does your golf game improve?

• Can you provide any evidence of your claim of “twenty million” criminals that crossed the border under President Biden? We’ll wait.

• You inherited a strong economy with the lowest unemployment and proceeded to destroy it all within 60 days. On a scale of 1 to 10, how stupid are you?

• It’s been suggested that the Trump Presidential Library should instead be called the Halls of Failure and Treason. Will your execution there for your crimes against humanity be televised?

• You claim gas prices are below $2 in the USA. Will you publish your source?

• Do you have any memory of the last time you said anything provably true?

• What do you do to prevent catching on fire when you visit a church? Is your bronzer fire-retardant?

• What the actual fuck is wrong with you?