The Ten Commandments of Forty-Seven

Thus sayeth the Lard

Photo by Levi Meir Clancy on Unsplash

Earlier today, the Lard ascended onto Mount Mar-a-Lago (that is, the melon felon labored up a single step onto a slightly raised platform) and verily, unto a single amplified microphone, he blathered on about sharks, windmills, various Disney princesses, beans, shoes, guitars, and Kevin Spacey (for some ungodly reason). However, towards the end of his seven hour “weave” 🙄, verily he spaketh ten new commandments for the MAGAvangelicals faithful. This is the official account of that encounter with the Lard. [Cue: Bum bum bum from SVU]

1. I, your Lard, am a jealous, bigly, and genius Lard, better than you’ve ever seen before. Thou shalt have no other Presidents besides me - EVER. Those guys who were President before, nay shall they ever be referenced as “President” in any form, but rather as “crooked”, “stupid”, or “criminal”.

2. Thou shalt buy all the useless, valueless, made-in-China graven crap, err. “product” that is purchaseth from your Lard. This includes, but is not limited to, Trump ™️coins and bucks, Trump ™️sneakers, Trump ™️bible, Trump ™️guitar, and any other image graven with the name of your Lard.

3. Thou shalt NEVER utter Fake News about your Lard. Furthermore, if you hear any true information that is not ultimately flattering to your Lard, verily shall thou screameth “FAKE NEWS” followed by some blustering idiotic explanation completely untethered from reality in the most denigrating manner possible.

4. Remember the patriots of January 6 and their holy sacrifice of insurrection based on the lies of your lard for they shall be pardoned. (Actually, your Lard just said that to get votes but I really don’t care, do you?)

5. Honor thy father and mother, but only IF they vote Republican. Any Democrats in your family shall wander in the wilderness to die in the new Trump ™️Dachau, coming soon just north of Dallas on the east side of the Galleria mall.

6. That shalt not kill white people. Anyone else with a tint shall be made holey through the power of the second amendment and your COMING SOON! Trump ™️AR-15 semi-automatic rifle. (Yes, Kyle, I’m talking specifically to thou.)

7. Thou shalt shag any porn star possible in the name of your Lard, because your Lard is famous and you can get away with all kinds of shit with all the judges I’ve bought… err, “appointed”.

8. Thou shalt steal. Like, all the time. No limits. Elections, money, lives, … Behold, your Lard stands at the gateway to crime heaven and verily he would knock, but someone stole the door! Good job, Eric!

9. Thou shalt bear false witness at all times to avoid prosecution and accountability for crimes committed in the name of your Lard. Thou shalt use hypnosis, mind control, psyops, propaganda, whatever is needed to distract from all the criming of your Lard.

10. Thou shalt covet whatever thou wanteth in the name of your Lard. Your daughter’s body, the Lard’s choice, amiright? TAKE your neighbor’s wife. TAKE your neighbor’s house. By Lard, you clearly earned it by virtue of your pale, pure, Aryan whiteness.

In the name of the Don, the glue-eating one, and the holy coke.

Ah, fuck it.

---

It angers me that we have another four years (hopefully less and for the love of God no more) to deal with all this. I’ll try to find humor in it whenever possible, but until it’s over or the Trump ™️Gazpacho comes to get me, let us stand together, resolute, in opposition to the seemingly never-ending Trump ™️shitshow.